The Loch Ness Monster

The history of mankind is riddled with the weird and the wonderful; bizarre people, strange places and odd events. For centuries, we’ve told each other fantastic stories around campfires and in darkened rooms. Tales of ghosts, UFOs, and conspiracies, but are these stories exactly that: Stories? There’s only one way to find out! Join me as I dive down the rabbit hole and into… the Unexplained Files.
 
This week: The Loch Ness Monster

WTF?
 
Loch Ness, Scotland. 22nd July 1933. George Spicer and his wife are driving along the banks of the loch when a huge creature appeared from the bushes and dragged itself into the dark waters of the loch. The monster was the length of a bus with a long, slender neck similar to an elephant’s trunk. It was the first modern appearance of the beast that would become famous across the globe (yes, flat earthers, I said GLOBE) as the “Loch Ness Monster”. It was later revealed that the Spicers were ‘high as fuck’.
 
Only kidding. The Spicers were respectable folk.
 
You’re Kidding, Right?
 
A monster? In a loch? There have been many photos of the beast over the years. Blurry ones, inconclusive ones, and even fake ones. There are some videos too. For the most part, they fall into similar categories, with many sceptics commenting that the videos show seals, otters, detritus, or in some cases, absolutely nothing. There have been numerous searches of the loch, using more and more modern technology and techniques, all have which have given us… cock all. Nothing. Zilch. Zero.
 
Hold Your Horses!
 
So it’s all horseshit? Well, over the years there have been many witnesses, many respectable witnesses. Lab technicians, police officers and whatnot. They can’t all be lying, can they? Maybe not.
 
The first report of something beastly dwelling in Loch Ness actually dates back to 565 when St. Columba (an Irish monk) met a bunch of locals burying a man by the River Ness. They said he was swimming when he was attacked by what they called a “water beast”, which is what I might say if someone caught me disposing of the body of a guy I’d killed. According to the men, the dead guy was mauled and dragged beneath the surface by the aforementioned water beast. They attempted a boat rescue, but alas, were too late.
 
Make Your Mind Up Time.
 
I’m remiss to disregard a lot of eyewitness testimony, but despite being one of the largest bodies of water in Britain (22sq miles in surface area, 56km2 for fans of metric), it’s a loch, not an ocean. It’s a finite area. Granted, it’s fucking deep (~800ft/230m), which would theoretically give Nessie plenty of hiding space, but for almost a century of searching, all we have to show is inconclusive videos and blurry pictures.
 
The biggest cluster of sightings was in the 30s when technology wasn’t great, but nowadays we’ve got cameras in our pockets. And this isn’t like trying to take a picture of something moving across a dark sky. If anyone sees anything, it’s in the daytime; there should be more (and better quality) photos of the Loch Ness Monster. But there aren’t.
 
Is there something lurking in the murky depths of Loch Ness? I hope I’m wrong, but I’m yet to see anything to convince me.
 
RATING: 1=Bollocks 2=Not convinced 3=Possibly… 4=Compelling stuff 5=Holyshittheskyisfalling
 
Further Viewing: To see the level of quality of evidence for this myth, check out the 'Top 5 Loch Ness Monster Sightings' video on YouTube. Just shy of minutes, most of the evidence in this film has quality theories to debunk it.
 
What do you think? Comment below!

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